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Old 02-08-2003, 12:29 AM   #1
wolfeyes
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Hi I am a mother of 4 boys ages 15 14 11 9 and all they do is fight mess up and dont want to clean up but wants me to do everything for them,I have tried chore charts,grounding you name it i have done it.OMG i am really ready to loose it,3 have adhd and learning disability and on meds but still i have to do it all.I cant leave or go anywhere they will wreck the house.My b/f is av ery good man they have no respect for him let alone them selves at times.I am ready to walk away from them.
My alarm clock in the am is fighting screaming ect.They trash the house b-4 they go to school.I cant sit in filth so i clean it...
Please if anyone is out there that can help me please feel free to help me..
Where are any boot camps for kids in il..
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Old 04-12-2003, 02:08 AM   #2
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What techneques have you used so far?

I use a reward system. I give out stars for the behavoir and task are expected of them and they fulfill. I also give point for unexpected behavoir. Like, if one child helps another.
I also write a brief message by each to help me remember why they got it and for them to understand also.

Find some quite time for that the star will equal. For me I use dallors/credits that are only spent at the dallor store. Where everything is a dallor. Or they can save it up for something great to spend it on, like a video game.

The points are taken from the star value. For example. Five points equal one star.

I also have a box for tick marks five tick marks and If they are in the negative they get a chore. I have differnt chores and tasks they need to do for different levels of negative points.

I have found that as long as I stay consistant it works for me.

My boys seem to fight and try to hurt each other more upon returning from their fathers though.

Hope that helps.
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Old 01-04-2004, 03:58 PM   #3
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I know what you are going through. I have 3 boys...11, 15, and 20. He's back home from one year of college the older one. I am going out of my mind too. I hate my house. I have been single now for two years. I just made the very hard dicision to find an apartment. It kills me but I just cant keep up with this pig sty. They do NOTHING to help me. I work part time, go to school part time and the rest of the time I spend running around for them making sure they are getting to Karate class, etc and have to do laundry, clean the filth in the bath rooms and geuss what at this stage of the game the stars just don't help. I try to take away privileges and even then it only works for a few days. Then we are right back to yelling and fighting. Things are out of control. And I am having an especially harder time with the 15 year old. Some one help

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Old 02-05-2004, 09:35 PM   #4
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Have no idea if im doing this right...i am also a mother of four boys ages 16,13,11 and 6.we do not see the father, abusive relationship.i have had many people harass me because my boys do not do enough around the house. I hate mess but do not have the energy to keep at them.I have recently become a student and have found that my tolerance changes when i absolutely cannot do everything.i find myself being more immovable with my orders to clean up and do a share.i am prepared for them not to eat fi they do not take part in the running of the house..it is slowly improving .As i take better care of myself and my needs they are beginning to treat me with more respect.less like a slave.I believe it happens naturally as one begins to build ones sense of self worth,as you branch out into your own interests.no quick fix but hopeful
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Old 02-21-2004, 03:06 AM   #5
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Hi I'm a mother of three boys( 7yrs,4yrs and 10 months) I don't know what to say, so why am I here? I read your letter and your reply's with horror. Is this what I've got to look forward to in the future? I hope not! I imagine that it would be very hard for you with three children with ADD, it's a wonder you havn't gone around the twist.. My eldest son has Aspergers disorder ( a part of the Autism spectrum) He keeps me busy enough. Your boys do need to take responsibility for helping with the running of the household. Someone might be married to them one day, they need to learn to help with the running of the household now..Don't pick up after them, they will surely expect someone to pick up after them later on( namely their wives) Teach them to cook, because they are going to need to know how to fend for themselves after their wives leaves them after being sick and tired of cleaning up after them. Maybe they could help with the shopping list for what they will be required for when they cook for you and their brothers one night a week. Then on the day that the other brothers don't cook, that will be their day to wash up the dishes afterwards. teach the boys how to find the vacuum and also how to use it. Each boy should be expected to load up the washing machine two days a week each. think of all the skills that will come in handy later on. if they refuse to clean up their bedroom, don't you do it. NO NO NO. Just shut the door. That's their problem, not yours. Anything of theirs that is left in the other parts of the house after say 5.30pm throw away! No more problem. They will soon start putting their things away, trust me this works!!! Send your boys out into the world, Knowing that you've produced a man that someone will be glad to be married to one day.Good Luck.
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Old 09-22-2004, 06:07 PM   #6
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I am a single mother of four boys (20, 19yr old twins and 15). Out of control teenagers,trashed house (literally - holes in the walls, broken doors and doorways), sibling fighting, defiance, foul language, minor trouble with the law - been there done that. My youngest is having truancy issues. It is and probably will remain the toughest job I have ever taken on. It is still worth it.
I have made certain deals with them. If they stay off the carpet with their shoes on, keep my house reasonable clean - they can have a landfill site to live in if they want in the basement - their own space - although they also know that once a week I will go downstairs and sweep up - if they have left anything they want on the floor - too bad!! If their bedrooms are a mess - close the door. Let them know that if you have to clean their rooms for them, then what you consider to be garbage will be thrown out. Tell them to consider this their only warning. But follow through.
Your boyfriend will have to earn your childrens respect himself, you can't do that. Don't put yourself in the middle, there is enough stress in life.
As long as they are not physically hurting each other or ruining your stuff, let them fight, just tell them to take it out of your house.When my guys start, I tell them to get out and come back when their attitude has improved. My house is not a war zone.
I always let my kids know verbally that I love them, that no matter what I am there for them but I deserve respect and if it is not given to me I do not do anything extra for them until the issue is resolved and apology given. My kids are not ashamed to publicly give me a hug, they bring their friends home, show off accomplishments, share and surprise me with little gifts or financially helping out when they can.
Bad behaviour is punished by removing priviledges - if still persist then the next time they want anything from me it is refused.
Certain issues I still don't know how to handle. I do as much for my kids as I can, I put myself out for them and I expect the same from them.
Their decisions are their choices and this is pointed out to them along with the consequences of their decisions.
The best advice I can give is "don't sweat the small stuff and de-stress every thing that you can. Don't let your children dictate your life but give them respect as well. Take time for yourself and enjoy everything that you can.
Hope this helps - keep on pluggin!!
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Old 03-02-2005, 06:11 PM   #7
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Hi Wolfeyes! I too am a single mom of four boys 13,11,6,5. I completely understand what you are going through! I read the other replies to your post and have a suggestion. What works with me is grinding in the knowledge that if my "obligations as far as chores, grades, homework " are not done, then the boys loose privledges,,, It is very hard to deal with the emotions that they can produce but you have to stand firm. I work full time and understand the fatique that you endure from the unrest! I do agree to giving them their "space" for an awful mess. In this house it is the two older ones room. I don't even go in it! HAve you tried a family meeting to discuss options? When i am frustrated with a situation, it works for me just to sit them all at the table, no tv, no distractions and very matter of factly present the problems with solutions. I hope that this will help you some! Hang in there Wolf! When is the last time you sent them all to the neighbors so you could have some "ME TIME"?? In my eyes, there is a reason for the me in mommie! TAke care. Hugs and chin up! Feel free to ask away if i can suggest or help you! Take care. Hartrose
Quote:
Originally posted by wolfeyes:
[qb] Hi I am a mother of 4 boys ages 15 14 11 9 and all they do is fight mess up and dont want to clean up but wants me to do everything for them,I have tried chore charts,grounding you name it i have done it.OMG i am really ready to loose it,3 have adhd and learning disability and on meds but still i have to do it all.I cant leave or go anywhere they will wreck the house.My b/f is av ery good man they have no respect for him let alone them selves at times.I am ready to walk away from them.
My alarm clock in the am is fighting screaming ect.They trash the house b-4 they go to school.I cant sit in filth so i clean it...
Please if anyone is out there that can help me please feel free to help me..
Where are any boot camps for kids in il.. [/qb]
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Old 03-02-2005, 06:39 PM   #8
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Hi there -

I am the mother of only two (7 and 13), both adhd. Sometimes it's unmanageable with the two of them only, I really can't picture how you do it with 4... I think the disorder adds a lot of the stress... My escape is going to work, wich, if you think about it, it's not a real escape; it also helps if I walk away from it all at times. You gotta be firm, keep it calm (ha!), and try to physically separate them to avoid a lot of fighting. I really believe they just need that harsh physical interraction, they seem to thrive on it; of course, it drives me nuts. Medication helps, but then the side effects are there too. Also, when on the rebound, they do even worse.
I have been told - just take one day at a time - so this is what I do, but it's very hard.

I really admire you for raising 4 boys. Hang in there and take care.
Dana
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Old 06-21-2007, 07:53 PM   #9
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I am scared just reading your posts!! I am a single (widowed) mom of 4 boys 6, 5, 3 and 1. I am having a hard time know with the non stop fighting and trashing my house...I thought it MIGHT get better as they got a little older but I am starting to think that may not be the case.
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Old 06-26-2007, 08:37 AM   #10
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Hi Kiera,

Here's something I learned with my two boys.

Instead of asking them to do something I tell them this needs to be done.

If I ask... they usually thought I was making a suggestion and laziness overruled what I said.

You may already do this. As time goes by, I'm sure you'll learn more tricks. (School teachers have some great ideas sometimes)
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Old 03-01-2010, 12:29 PM   #11
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Default Re: mother of 4 boys

I too have 4 Sons the oldest is now 20....he and the youngest *age 6) have ADHD.
I also was blessed/given what I asked for when I got a little girl! total of 5, ages 20, 16,15, & 6. Some days are horrible, some are good. I have LITERALLY driven up to see my 11 yr. old & 12 year old at the time holding "batting practice" with my brand new cordless phone set-up, DVD player, etc. I wasn't sure whether to keep driving & just start a new life, sell what THEY HADN'T BROKEN & move us all to an Amish settlement somewhere, sell the kids on the black market, what?

But I think a large number of boys are just tinkerers and just plain difficult at varying times in their lives...hence the phrase, boys will be boys.

All you can do is try your best not to kill them, be there for them as much as possible, and DON'T give in just because it is easy. I seriously had to get dressed in my kids room because they wouldn't get ready if I left them alone for 5 minutes!
I dropped them off at the front door of the School only to have them sneak out the back door. I too thought I would lose my mind. But amazingly, after MUCH debate, crying myself to sleep, sitting in their room for 4 hours dictating how to clean their room (which should have taken 15 mins. TOPS! Cursing them that I hope they have a dozen kids like themselves....my 20 year old is still a pain at times, but shockingly the 15 & 16 yr. old are dare I say, good kids now. They have truly become kids I can be proud of, instead of dreading the phone calls from whatever Authority figure they enraged that day. Please believe me, it will end....you may not think so, but it will.

My 6 yr. old is already showing his talents at turning into a boy, but with all things, I will play it by ear, pray to God this "phase" will be short-lived, and that he too have a dozen Sons just like him!
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Old 03-01-2010, 01:33 PM   #12
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Default Re: mother of 4 boys

I have 4 sons, 16, 15, 3, 10. we have a rotating chore schedule just like I did in the Navy. They get it don e or no Pay. We do not have allowances we have salary, only paid is Bed room, Chores and home work is don e for the week $5.00 each boy.

I just expect them to do it and they do, I may have to remind them who has what chores for the week.
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Old 06-05-2010, 10:32 PM   #13
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I have 5 boys that are 6,7,9,14,and 15. I am also currently in the midst of fighting, messing, and not helping out. The teens are displaying temporary hormonal (I HOPE) defiance and disrespect that the littles are attempting to copy.

Any suggestions would be helpful.
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Old 06-06-2010, 12:31 AM   #14
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Default Re: mother of 4 boys

Hello and welcome. I have all boys too, so I do know what you are facing. I don't think there is any one thing which fixes this overnight. Instead it's a series of little victories on your part that slowly modifies the behaviour.
When you say they are not helping out, what exactly do you mean? If they are asked to do something and they don't, then they must be made to complete the task, or there are consequences.
Around here, I find it works better that privelleges are earned. Instead of punishing poor behaviour I try to reward good. I liken it to having a million dollars and taking away a thousand.....you would hardly notice the difference. However, if you had nothing and someone gave you that same thousand, you'd think you were rich! So around here they start with nothing and earn their privelleges.
It's not easy. But I do know that being consistent and showing them what I expect of them takes time but it does pay off.
The fighting....well boys are always so full of energy. Living rurally we have lots of chores, and lots of ways to burn energy, so that helps. Are your boys in any sports? That helps vent some of that pent up energy.
The messing issue is something I have approached this way. They are resp. for helping me clean the house, washing floors, vacuuming, whatever. The more the mess, the longer it takes. After making them clean the toilet and wash the floor around it, it was amazing how much better their aims became! There are always messes but since they must clean them up, it has helped because they don't want to spend their time doing it either!
The disrespect is something I usually handle by saying "I beg your pardon?" Maybe it's the look which goes with it, or the tone, but usually their statement is retracted. If not, I do the "It sounded to me like you said you wanted to stay home tonight while we go to the movies..."
Mamaboo my kids are not perfect! Nor is my parenting perfect or foolproof. But I do know that I have made great strides and over time, their reflex is to get up and help. I see it when their grandmother (who lives with us) comes home, they get up and help her unload the car. They clear the table after dinner without asking...sort laundry etc.

I hope your boys will turn it around and help.
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Old 06-06-2010, 12:39 AM   #15
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Default Re: mother of 4 boys

Quote:
Originally Posted by muskiedad View Post
Hello and welcome. I have all boys too, so I do know what you are facing. I don't think there is any one thing which fixes this overnight. Instead it's a series of little victories on your part that slowly modifies the behaviour.
When you say they are not helping out, what exactly do you mean? If they are asked to do something and they don't, then they must be made to complete the task, or there are consequences.
Around here, I find it works better that privelleges are earned. Instead of punishing poor behaviour I try to reward good. I liken it to having a million dollars and taking away a thousand.....you would hardly notice the difference. However, if you had nothing and someone gave you that same thousand, you'd think you were rich! So around here they start with nothing and earn their privelleges.
It's not easy. But I do know that being consistent and showing them what I expect of them takes time but it does pay off.
The fighting....well boys are always so full of energy. Living rurally we have lots of chores, and lots of ways to burn energy, so that helps. Are your boys in any sports? That helps vent some of that pent up energy.
The messing issue is something I have approached this way. They are resp. for helping me clean the house, washing floors, vacuuming, whatever. The more the mess, the longer it takes. After making them clean the toilet and wash the floor around it, it was amazing how much better their aims became! There are always messes but since they must clean them up, it has helped because they don't want to spend their time doing it either!
The disrespect is something I usually handle by saying "I beg your pardon?" Maybe it's the look which goes with it, or the tone, but usually their statement is retracted. If not, I do the "It sounded to me like you said you wanted to stay home tonight while we go to the movies..."
Mamaboo my kids are not perfect! Nor is my parenting perfect or foolproof. But I do know that I have made great strides and over time, their reflex is to get up and help. I see it when their grandmother (who lives with us) comes home, they get up and help her unload the car. They clear the table after dinner without asking...sort laundry etc.

I hope your boys will turn it around and help.
Sounds pretty darn near perfect to me!

Welcome Mamaboo!
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Old 06-07-2010, 08:48 AM   #16
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Default Re: mother of 4 boys

Yep agree I with Muskie. I only have one he will be 14 soon I do believe at times they are possessed but then again Im told its called hormones.
When he makes me want to pull my hair out (which is alot lately ) I just look him in the eye and say "Where did my son go?" You should see the looks he gives me. ehehe
Welcome to are little hideout.
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