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Old 08-06-2011, 12:16 AM   #91
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

Very, very well said MS.

JM, I do sincerely apologize for losing my temper with you...and I most assuredly did lose my temper with you.
It's not really a very good excuse, but I lost my temper because you implyed that "we" didn't offer you any reassurance and that pissed me off.

We most deffinately did offer you assurance that you could do this, that we would help all we could. We have been totally "on your side". We just reacted to the news that you have been doing things that put your well being in jeapordy. Still on your side...just worried.

We do not sit on high horses looking down on anybody. We sit in what we have managed to salvage from the mistakes we have made and cringe when we see someone we care about heading down the same path.

You can be anything you want to be. I'd hate to see that potential go unexplored.

Anyway, I didn't want to get all into this again. I just wanted to sincerely apologize for my anger and sarcasm.
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Old 08-06-2011, 12:27 AM   #92
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

Well I am kind of pissed. As one of the "regulars" I would expect just these words. And I would hope they are said. There have been things said to me in the past that stung, some I disagreed with outright...... but never did I go on the attack. Further, since when were you not a regular JM? Since when were you not accepted by some, or all of us.
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Old 08-06-2011, 07:05 AM   #93
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

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Originally Posted by LSL View Post
Well I am kind of pissed. As one of the "regulars" I would expect just these words. And I would hope they are said. There have been things said to me in the past that stung, some I disagreed with outright...... but never did I go on the attack. Further, since when were you not a regular JM? Since when were you not accepted by some, or all of us.
Because i feel that if somebody else, for example you, blue, idig... had came here distraught about something like this then nobody would be telling you to "grow up" or losing their temper with you. And THAT hurt.
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Old 08-06-2011, 08:04 AM   #94
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

Well, I for one, can say that if lsl or I dig or blue, came in and announced what you announced, my personal reaction to them would be 100 harsher and more straight forward, than you feel it was to you...if they responded the way you did, it would have gotten even more blunt...
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Old 08-06-2011, 10:17 AM   #95
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

What is wrong with me that I go to bed worrying about what is happening with JM and wake up wondering if she's finally moved past the bull hearing what people are trying to say?

This is why I don't socialize.

JM- I'm sorry you're feeling attacked. That is NOT the intent. I agree with BD that he would have been much harsher with someone he knows better- but he said in the very beginning his "tongue was hurting" from biting it because he wanted to deliver the message calmly and in a way it was received. With Blue or Idig or LSL, and probably me as well, he knows that he could come right out and say "What the f*** were you thinking?" before moving on to offer his advice and support, and it would be received in the caring manner it was meant.

Blue did not start out sarcastic and angry- she started out loving, direct, maternal and wise. It was not until you lashed out, JM, that she and others responded. And yes, maybe people should have backed off and given you space to work through the initial shock. We all know you well enough that emotions can run high for you. I'm not saying that as if it is a bad thing. It is simply one of your characteristics.

Clearly, JM, you are still hurt. Fine. I get that. But I have YET to hear from you that despite your hurt, you recognize any of the advice offered as valid. OR recognize that because people are still around, trying to beat it into your head, that these people CARE about you and WANT you to make good choices and learn from past mistakes.

And I'm with LSL- since when are you not a "regular" around here? Do you think we'd all still be making ourselves crazy and keep coming back to this thread if you weren't a regular we care about?
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Old 08-06-2011, 10:32 AM   #96
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

I think that everytime there is an uncomfortable reaction the "regulars" get attacked. I am not sure what constitutes a regular but they are the brunt of the blast because THEY are the ones who respond to all the hurting new threads. They are the ones who have formed bonds with people on here because they are caring people and they have less fear commenting on a situation. JM I would consider you a regular, you are part of that. I have been on here a few years but pop in and out. You have been on here quite consistantly for quite some time and people consider you a friend. A friend they are worried for and love. If they had no feelings for you they would not have even bothered posting. Your thread would have been read and then passed by. You got the responses you got because they DO care. You will see that at some point.
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Old 08-06-2011, 10:36 AM   #97
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

I apologize for lashing out, and of course i know what people are saying, of course i appreciate people caring enough to post.

Im taking a break from this thread for a while.
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Old 08-06-2011, 03:02 PM   #98
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

Wow, the "feel" and "tension" of this thread has drastically changed. I like to think it was everyone taking my advice and pat myself on the back (yup that is me sitting on my high horse, just kidding folks, ) but I think the people that did change the way they were approaching it realised for themselves that the tactic they were using was not working. And we say it all the time here, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That definition can be referred to alot more than one thing in this thread.

But look, everyone finally got the reaction they wanted from JM...the admitted realization of what she is up against and that everyone here cares for her. And the only reason we got that realization was from the different approach, the more empathetic (not sympathetic!) hearts, and the ones who did apologize for being rude or sarcastic to JM. That all means alot. You can choose not to agree with me, but if you don't "feel" the change of attitude by most in this thread, then your a little numb inside.

I think we all should look at this as a learning experience for our "support system" here.
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Old 08-06-2011, 03:28 PM   #99
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

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Originally Posted by babymama3210 View Post
Wow, the "feel" and "tension" of this thread has drastically changed. I like to think it was everyone taking my advice and pat myself on the back (yup that is me sitting on my high horse, just kidding folks, ) but I think the people that did change the way they were approaching it realised for themselves that the tactic they were using was not working. And we say it all the time here, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That definition can be referred to alot more than one thing in this thread.

But look, everyone finally got the reaction they wanted from JM...the admitted realization of what she is up against and that everyone here cares for her. And the only reason we got that realization was from the different approach, the more empathetic (not sympathetic!) hearts, and the ones who did apologize for being rude or sarcastic to JM. That all means alot. You can choose not to agree with me, but if you don't "feel" the change of attitude by most in this thread, then your a little numb inside.

I think we all should look at this as a learning experience for our "support system" here.
Well................That was an intersting view!!!!
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Old 08-06-2011, 03:51 PM   #100
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

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Well................That was an intersting view!!!!
Thought the same thing Sara. I did not see a change, guess that makes me numb. In fact, some one pmd me last night and asked why I was so pissed. Which I was not pissed, so mug as confused and frustrated at the "regular" comments.
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Old 08-06-2011, 04:01 PM   #101
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

For the record...the pm was NOT from me...in case anyone was wondering.

I think the tone changed for some due to the realization that we were essentially wasting energy, and the thread became more a generic conversation of the topic than an instance specific.

Just my $0.02
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Old 08-07-2011, 06:13 PM   #102
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

LOL!! Nice to know it was not your PM, BD.

Hey folks, I was just trying to lighten it up a little bit. To me the "feel" did change, for whatever reason it is you want to believe. If it didn't change for you, than that is you. But I was just trying to make light of the thread. Glad you found my silly post so "interesting." =)

And just wanted to ask LSL, why are you letting this get to you so much and taking it so personal? JM did say some "regular" comments I know, I am just curious as to why you are so upset about them. I am just interested to better understand you.
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:50 PM   #103
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

I'll tell ya why this whole situation aggravated me as much as it did.

I had a best friend. 17 years she was my best friend.
She had a bf who was an ___. Then she announced she was gonna marry him.

Lord, I did not want her to marry him, he was awful to her, but I kept my mouth shut.
Shortly after they married, he got drunk and broke into my house and tried to get in my bed. Other friends of mine who also cared about her got together cause as it turned out, he was hitting on all of us.
It was decided that I should be the one to say something cause I was her best friend. So, I did.

She got really mad at me. She didn't want to hear it one bit. It put a strain on our relationship that really hurt. I would never intentionally hurt her and it hurt that she was mad at me rather than seeing the truth about him.
Eventually she divorced him. Our friendship survived....but I decided Dear Abby was right. You NEVER tell a friend about what their mate is up to cause if they don't know it's cause they don't WANT to know.

SO.........................

Then she meets a new guy - a much, much, worse guy - pretty much right away.
This guy grabbed my ___ the very first night I met him. I said nothing.
He was a sleazy..ugghhh..I can't even begin to tell you. I said nothing.
She made excuses for him constantly. He cheated, she KNEW, I said nothing.
They had a baby together. He continued to cause nothing but trouble. I said nothing. Just was there for her and tried to comfort her. If I couldn't say something nice.....I said nothing.

Then...

He gave her AIDS. She said she forgave him and still loved him and that this would be the turn around for him and they would have a new begining.
I began to wish I had been more honest about my feelings and about what I thought of his behavior and the insanity of her staying with him.

One time when I was visiting her he got violent with both she and I over something that wasn't even real. Just some bizarre BS he imagined.
After that, I had to tell her that I couldn't come to her house anymore. She would have to meet me away from him.

She never did. Said it upset him too much to be left out.

Her dedication to that sleazy guy ruined our friendship and then killed her. And I never even tried to stop it. There is no later, no time for her to finally see the light.

So, I don't whitewash the truth for anyone anymore. I don't hold back cause I want them to still like me. I don't want them to NOT feel the pain of their mistakes, because that pain serves a very valuable purpose. It makes you want to avoid doing "it" again.
I don't want to cause pain, but I'm not gonna smooth over and sugar coat the pain the natural circumstances bring about.

THAT IS ENABLEING.

I would rather lose a friend I tried to save than lose a friend I helped along into a situation 100 x worse by telling them that things weren't as bad as they seemed.
____, I never even imagined how bad they were gonna get.

Wasn't anything that couldn't happen in this case, too, though.....

The references to "regulars"?

I thought Kayleigh was a friend to us here. I thought she trusted us. I thought she was one of us....the many of us, not just the few who participated in this thread. Friends don't let friends repeat mistakes... they try hard to help them see the danger ahead, RIGHT????.
Then, as soon as we say something she doesn't want to hear, we basically get accused of being some kind of hypocritical mean girls club.
And not just by her....which was that much more frustrating, cause it gave strength to her arguements (not her reality) that
we were all overeacting and that the status quo was all fine just as she stated it was. Maybe she was telling you different in PM's but we weren't privy to that understanding.

It's ironic, too. Awhile back, pretty much the same people who were involved here were defending a young poster who had made some mistakes and a well intended but uneccessarily harsh "regular" was really tearing into her.
We jumped all over that regular...and then we got accused of being some kind of mean girls clique....cause we yelled at someone who actually HAD told a young woman in K's position that she should give her baby away in addition to a whole lot of other truely judgemental stuff.
Where were you then, ? {(jk)

Anyway....that's why.

I'll make a blanket announcement. If I ever say that I'm thinking of getting back together with ANY of my x's...nevermind posting...somebody get in a car and rush over here and slap me silly till I come to my senses.
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:58 PM   #104
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

I'll slap ya Blue, cuz I care and sort of know where you live.
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Old 08-07-2011, 09:01 PM   #105
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

I don't even know what to say, other than I hope others would do the same for me.
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Old 08-07-2011, 09:05 PM   #106
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

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I'll slap ya Blue, cuz I care and sort of know where you live.
Yeah, me too!
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Old 08-07-2011, 09:10 PM   #107
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

Awwwww! I can feel the love........
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Old 08-07-2011, 09:54 PM   #108
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

Wow Blue, thanks for sharing that. I am sorry for your loss of a friend.

I lost all of my friends and put a huge rift between my family and I, because I kept going back to Parker's father and defended him and tried to make people see that he was not as bad as they thought and they could just not possibly understand because he really did love me and he just needed to mature a little!

And what I learned when I finally woke up, is that number one, you can not push someone to do what they don't want to do, and I truly did not want to be alone and pregnant or alone and with a toddler and number two, that I chose to live in my fantasy vision of who he was rather than face the reality because I did not think I was strong enough to handle the pain of the alternative...losing someone I love. And it was not until another relationship ended that I learned that you can't hold on to someone who does not love you and if someone does love you, there are no excuses, there is no...he will get better. Love does not hurt and when it does you need to deal with the pain of losing them because if you don't you will lose yourself!!!

I too only wish the best for you JM, as I know how painful the situation is and no one wants to see you get your hopes up and have them crushed but in the end your friends online or in real life can not make you make a decision that your not ready to make, we can only be there to offer support and advice.

And Blue...I will slap ya also!!!
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Old 08-07-2011, 10:32 PM   #109
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

Blue I cannot join the "slap Blue club" because no man should ever hit a lady. But, I will find a proxy from the board, if that is acceptable. LOL
That is a powerful, from the heart post Blue, and I understand exactly what you are trying to say.
All the posts here are a form of help from the various members. Some have dealt with different aspects of this entire larger picture, but all are voiced out of concern. There is a baby on the way, and that should be the focus. However, the baby story doesn't end with a safe delivery, it continues on, as kayleigh will adjust to having two little ones around. I hope, I truly hope she draws from the collective wisdom expressed around here. The baby is the main issue, but there are side issues, whether they be emotional, financial, or what have you. I consider Kayleigh a friend and hope she will see the reason this thread is several pages is due to concern for her, her future, her children. In essence, their collective well being.
Now I'm babbling and forget the original point I was making! But there is a whole lot of concern here in this thread and I hope that energy can be used wisely.
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Old 08-07-2011, 11:08 PM   #110
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

Well dang Blue talk about peeing on someone's cornflakes. I never doubted that u were concerned fro JM but I now understand maybe your urgency in conveying your message. I think that JM has calmed down some and maybe she can see what everyone was trying to say.

As to the 'regulars' I understood her query because some people(and I am not saying its anyone here) are gentler or kinder to the people they deem the friends so its plausible to wonder if it were you or anyone else if the reaction would have been gentler. Now I understand that BD is just a no holds bar kind of dude and he would have ripped into anyone the exact same way.

Sorry about your friend and I would hate to feel what you felt just because I held my tongue.
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Old 08-07-2011, 11:12 PM   #111
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

Babymama---- ditto to Blues whole part of the regulars section.......all of it. That sums up why it made me upset.
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Old 08-07-2011, 11:22 PM   #112
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

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Now I understand that BD is just a no holds bar kind of dude and he would have ripped into anyone the exact same way.
.
No, no, make no mistake, if it had been me in this situation, BD would have ripped into me in a way that would have made the bombing of Pearl Harbor look like kids playing with sparklers.

And I probably would have called him an _______ and moved on along with my other friends here, , IF I disagreed with his point.

And thanks, too. I hope we can all mend our feelings and get back to being united in finding ways to make this life be the best it can be.
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Old 08-07-2011, 11:29 PM   #113
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Wow Blue, Amazing post. If that doesn't show JM how truly heartfelt and good intentioned the advice has been on this thread, I don't know what will. I think she has realized it already. I hope that she does see that people here still do care, and that they will be there for her
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Old 08-07-2011, 11:32 PM   #114
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Never mind......brain and typing not meshing in coherent sentences
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:44 AM   #115
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Just for the record i NEVER said i wasnt a regular, what i said was "if one of the popular regulars" meaning the ones who i didnt think would be spoke down to, like i felt that i was. Why would i not consider myself a regular when im here every single day?

I never said i didnt trust you guys, i just knew what you all would say if i came here saying i had slept with JD a few times, and i wasnt in a place where i wanted to hear it, so i never said anything. If i didnt feel like i had real friends here i wouldnt have announced i was pregnant, i would have stayed away, hid it, none of you would be any the wiser. But of course i wanted to tell my friends, the people ive got to know really well over the past year.

As for my reaction to the posts here, im pretty sure you guys know me well enough by now to know that when i dont like what i hear i get angry and defensive, thats just the way i am, and i apologize to anybody who felt upset or pissed off by anything ive said.
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Old 08-08-2011, 09:27 AM   #116
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

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Just for the record i NEVER said i wasnt a regular, what i said was "if one of the popular regulars" meaning the ones who i didnt think would be spoke down to, like i felt that i was. Why would i not consider myself a regular when im here every single day?

I never said i didnt trust you guys, i just knew what you all would say if i came here saying i had slept with JD a few times, and i wasnt in a place where i wanted to hear it, so i never said anything. If i didnt feel like i had real friends here i wouldnt have announced i was pregnant, i would have stayed away, hid it, none of you would be any the wiser. But of course i wanted to tell my friends, the people ive got to know really well over the past year.

As for my reaction to the posts here, im pretty sure you guys know me well enough by now to know that when i dont like what i hear i get angry and defensive, thats just the way i am, and i apologize to anybody who felt upset or pissed off by anything ive said.

Yes, we understand...understood then, too.
So, more water under the bridge...we have survived the telling.

Funny (in an observational kind of way), but I imagine the "telling" in a regular nuclear family would have gone very similar. .

One thing that did get demonstraed very clearly, however, is something that is a big part of what makes me so concerned for you.
It's not so much your temper, but the things that trigger it. It always seems to be because you feel slighted. Less than the others around you.

It's as if you are constantly comparing yourself against others and finding yourself wanting and in enormous constant pain because of it.
Then, something happens that seems to support this belief and it's intolerable to you. You go blind with rage.

I can understand you being upset with BD, but you got upset with the lot of us because you thought it somehow meant that you were thought of as being inferior to us all.

When you went to the Mommy and Me group you thought they all had a clique that didn't like you. You went ONCE, I think, and decided this.

When JD looked at a girl in a magazine and thought of you, you immeadiately went into a rage cause you thought he liked her better than you.

Ideally, you will seek some professsional help with this, but also we, as a group, really need to explore this with you, I think. If you don't get some perspective on it this kind of thing is going to happen to you ALOT.

I used to be the same way and can easily slip back into it if I don't keep up with the positive mantra in my head. I think we all could benefit from looking at the situation.

Extreme low self esteem is not a legacy we want to pass on to our children.
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Old 08-08-2011, 11:21 AM   #117
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

Just wanted to drop in and say hi and that i hope you are doing ok. How are you feeing? sick yet? tired i'm sure. And to let you know i care! Hope you are finding some calm and are starting to breathe a lil again.

How is the baby? And most importantly WHEN ARE YOU DUE?!! Smiles to you today.
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Old 08-08-2011, 11:56 AM   #118
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Just wanted to drop in and say hi and that i hope you are doing ok. How are you feeing? sick yet? tired i'm sure. And to let you know i care! Hope you are finding some calm and are starting to breathe a lil again.

How is the baby? And most importantly WHEN ARE YOU DUE?!! Smiles to you today.
Luv, thank you, i think you're the first person to actually ask how im feeling. Im ok, feeling sick in the afternoons and pretty tired, the midwife has estimated my due date to be around the 10th March. Everything seems to be going ok, will have my first scan in about 3 weeks.
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Old 08-08-2011, 11:56 AM   #119
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

Glad you're back. I think this thread has run it's course. I am starting a new one to help Kay.
Yup, we all make mistakes, if we learn and grow, then it can become a good.
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Old 08-08-2011, 02:31 PM   #120
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

Blue, thanks for your story. And I am truly sorry you went through something like that. Because I went through something very similar with my best friend. She got addicted to heroin, and I stood by trying to help her until I finally realised the best thing I could do was give her my bottome line and tell her, "There's nothing I won't do to help you get better, but there is nothing I will do to allow this to go on." Just like the show Intervention. I have not spoken to her in 5 years and she is still terribly sick. I also have another close friend recently who got addicted to drugs also. Went through the same thing with her, but this time I didn't have as much empathy as I did with my previous best friend, I just layed it out I will not be around to watch you continue to do this to yourself. I went to her funeral 2 month ago. She overdosed on heroin and left a note saying that all she ever needed to feel was that she was loved and cared for (of course you can disect this into the rational/unrational thoughs going on in her sick mind). But, regardless, between those two incidents, I have learned that there needs to be a healthy balance between the healthy support and empathy. I clearly know what enabling is. And I was not enabling K. I was simply being supportive. In my own way that I have learned, through my experiences and through school and clinicals and my job.

I won't hijack the thread, I am happy K is doing ok right now. And I, along with everyone else here, know that we will still be here to support K (and everyone else on this forum) through all her future trials and triumphs. That is the whole purpose of this group anyway.
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Old 08-10-2011, 12:07 AM   #121
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

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Luv, thank you, i think you're the first person to actually ask how im feeling. Im ok, feeling sick in the afternoons and pretty tired, the midwife has estimated my due date to be around the 10th March. Everything seems to be going ok, will have my first scan in about 3 weeks.
K, I missed this whole thread because I was out of town and taking a break from the internet. Things here got a little heated, and frankly I'm not going to comment on much of that right now. Just know that I love you dearly and will always have your back....and as a friend you know I will always shoot straight with you. Most of us don't like to hear the cold hard truth, but when people truly care for someone, it's really important to always tell them the truth, no matter how difficult it is to hear. Sometimes we just need to pay better attention to our delivery of that truth.

Now....you say this beautiful angel is due around March 10th? My birthday is March 20th so I say you just have her (cuz I'm rooting for a girl ) a little later so she can be born on my birthday. Ok? I love you girl.
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Old 08-10-2011, 04:38 AM   #122
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

wow. i just read and re-read these posts....and couldn't help but notice what a strong family has been created here, i'm in some serious awe...surprised that such passion and intense bonds have been formed at an (anonymous?) online forum. (no high horse, i promise, i'm a newbie, an outsider, and you can actually take these comments and put them in the recycle bin because of my status...don't mean to be offensive...i'm seriously...impressed).

and what i gathered from reading is that there's actually a lot of love and friendship here. that people agree and disagree and get hurt and offended and then do their best to be sure their perspectives are heard and understood. good lord if only my own family could express themselves this way, seriously, to be so invested in sharing their experiences and perspectives and dedicate serious time to be sure people are understanding each other...

JM--I don't know you or your story, just the bits and pieces that i've garnered from the thread--i'm so sorry that you're in this crazy place and of course you need love and support. i read a lot of love and support, from the posters who aligned with you, from the posters who you felt were attacking you, and yet they explained over and over again how much they cared about you, apologized for the tone, and implored you to please hear their perspectives because it comes from love, caring, and friendship. that they care about you and each other and will always be here for you.

thank you for posting and thank you for letting me share in reading all of these responses...everyone...
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Old 08-10-2011, 04:26 PM   #123
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

Bluewave, I loved reading your post. And no one will take offense to that because everything you wrote is soo true. Great post! Everyone here does care about each other, and we all just want the best for each other. But we are all different people and show our support in different ways, but it doesn't mean we don't care for that person any less or more. We are ALL struggling single parents here, and we all just want to make it easier for the next struggling single parent coming along. But there is beauty in all of this.....especially the new birth of a beautiful baby for K. Thanks for your post, Bluewave
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Old 08-10-2011, 07:53 PM   #124
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

Didn't read everyone's replies...but just encouraging you to take control of your own life. You have had an on again, off again relationship with JD, and that needs to stop. Don't let him give you just enough to convince you to allow him to control you!

Prayers for you as you go through this....
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Old 08-10-2011, 08:55 PM   #125
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Default Re: ive messed my life up, big time

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Bluewave, I loved reading your post. And no one will take offense to that because everything you wrote is soo true. Great post! Everyone here does care about each other, and we all just want the best for each other. But we are all different people and show our support in different ways, but it doesn't mean we don't care for that person any less or more. We are ALL struggling single parents here, and we all just want to make it easier for the next struggling single parent coming along. But there is beauty in all of this.....especially the new birth of a beautiful baby for K. Thanks for your post, Bluewave
thank you so much babymama!!! and i saw another JM support thread was started, too...which shows how much love and support there is for her and everyone here...

hugs. so glad i found this place!
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