Vent!!!!

[Dad1st4boys]

This is a little thing in the great scheme of things.....


My Son's mother ( I have decided to address her as such, instead of "ex" so I can better focus on my sons' needs) and I agreed in Mediation to three short visits during the summer for #1. My understanding was they would take place in the Mornings so I could be to work at reasonable times.
The 1st 2 meetings we met at 9:30 AM at the Mall entrance. No problems.... I e-mailed her this morning to confirm time and to see if she would like to take all 4 sons for a few hours.
Her reply was that she's take all the boys, but she had a test at 10 AM (1st time she said anything about it).
I replied I would offer to change to Sat. but I am on call/duty this weekend and I can not leave the county. (We meet in a county/town neither of us live in).
Her reply was "So your schedule messes up my visit yet again... what a surprise."
I also offered to either meet on Monday Morning or still meet on Fri and I'd take all the boys. No further replies...

I was careful not to respond to her baiting, just stayed on the topic of visit time.
How is it my schedule at fault when she never told me about her tests for tomorrow morning? My work schedule is set and has not changed in two years, My working hours are somewhat flexible, but not totally Gumby.

I don't want to vent at her because 1, it would not do any good, 2 she will never she any way except hers, and 3 she just wants a fight. So I will win by not fighting.

[littlefoot_223]

gee dad have you not figured it out yet......... it is always your fault. (jk)

Joking aside, well at least you are trying to make the effort to be the adult and in time it will come back to biter her in the butt!

Remember to breath and laugh and let it all go!!!

[LSL]

Document. This has been agreed to months in advance. This was not for you to contact her, this was for HER to contact you with for plenty of notice. She misses it, that is HER deal, not yours....... Document this, print it out, be ready to point out that she was aware of all the facts, you were not. She could have scheduled that test at any time. SHE KNEW SHE HAD A VISIT WITH YOUR SON.

[Dad1st4boys]

She just e-mailed me that her test is in her town an hour away from our meeting place. I made an offer to meet her at noon and she can take the boys to lunch, but I have to be at home by 2PM.

I wonder if she realizes I do not know her schedule unless she tells me. If she had told me a few days ago, or even yesterday I would have offered any time yesterday or today as I am off duty.

---------- Post added at 01:09 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:07 PM ----------

In a weird way I am not even mad or upset. Just aggravated for the boys.

Oh yes I document..... and I save each and every e-mail send or received.

[LSL]

Originally Posted by Dad1st4boys

She just e-mailed me that her test is in her town an hour away from our meeting place. I made an offer to meet her at noon and she can take the boys to lunch, but I have to be at home by 2PM.

I wonder if she realizes I do not know her schedule unless she tells me. If she had told me a few days ago, or even yesterday I would have offered any time yesterday or today as I am off duty.

Dad, this is NOT your responsibility. This is her! And reflects badly on HER. This is not you keeping the boys from her. This is her placing other prioritities above her son. No wonder #1 doesn't like her right now.

[Dad1st4boys]

I had to try not for her or even me, but for my sons. If she does not take this offer then I'll see her next Wed when I pick up ALL my sons. their summer visit is over.

---------- Post added at 01:56 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:14 PM ----------



She just replied she is not sue if she can make the time. with her test and drive time down. She did not say yes and she did not say no, this is her normal way. She wants others to make decisions so if it does not work she can complain.


Here is my plan. I am not going to reply. Unless she responses with something specific, I am taking up #2 and #1 and will be there at Noon. If she is there OK. If not, I tried. The I'll take them food shopping with me, that's what I was going to do while they visit their mother.

[idig]

Dad, you are doing all the right things, but you know that. I know how frustrating it is and how disappointed you are for your boys sake. And she totally misses the point, which is THEM.

[nadee_09]

Big Hugs Dad! SO frustrating, but I think your plan sounds great!

[Bluemoon]

Originally Posted by lsl

document. This has been agreed to months in advance. This was not for you to contact her, this was for her to contact you with for plenty of notice. She misses it, that is her deal, not yours....... Document this, print it out, be ready to point out that she was aware of all the facts, you were not. She could have scheduled that test at any time. She knew she had a visit with your son.

Yeah!

---------- Post added at 03:47 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:47 PM ----------

Originally Posted by idig

Dad, you are doing all the right things, but you know that. I know how frustrating it is and how disappointed you are for your boys sake. And she totally misses the point, which is THEM.

and Yeah!!!!

[momofTDR]

doing what's right here, I'd say. Don't give her too much, your right about what she is doing...she's wanting you to say what to do so she can turn it against you. Uggh.

[calooa]

I agree with everyone else. You are making the opportunities available to her, and honestly that is all you have to do. The rest is on her. WTG!

[muskiedad]

Good that you didn't rise to the bait. She just wants to complain because it's all about her. No matter what you do it won't be right in her eyes, so no point worrying.

[Dad1st4boys]

I followed my plan and showed up as per the last e-mail, she did not. I waited for 20 min. The #1 and #2 and I went food shopping.

I am not going to e-mail her ref this, I feel this day is done. I do need to e-mail her about tie to pick u #3 and #4 on Wed . We'll see how that goes..

[LSL]

Just more proof for you. and 20 minutes is a reasonable time. And presumably she has your cell number so she could have called you to tell you she was running late. What a you know what.

[Dad1st4boys]

Originally Posted by LSL

Just more proof for you. and 20 minutes is a reasonable time. And presumably she has your cell number so she could have called you to tell you she was running late. What a you know what.

Her defense will be that she said she might not make it in her last email, but there was no definitive yes or no. The story of my 18 year marriage to her.

"I am not sure I can make it by noon, it is a final for the computer class I am taking and the normal tests have been taking 2 hours.. plus the hour drive time for us to get there."

[Dad1st4boys]

UGH!!!! I vent more later. Shed is so petty and self centered.

[comingup4air]

She is some piece of work. BLAH!!! I would be so frustrated for your boys, too....it's glaringly obvious they are not her priority. I'm so proud of you, Dad. Taking this all in stride and being the stable one for your boys.

[confused1996]

Dad you are doing all you can do. Unlike her you are consentrating on your boys. She is some piece of work. HUGS

[Dad1st4boys]

I went up and picked up my youngest two, no real problems on the surface.

Last night's phone call bothers me....
My youngest talked to me last night on the phone and told me something that disturbed me. I thing I am going to get him to counseling. I asked him if he was excited to be going to my uncle's farm with me and his brothers. He said yes. I asked if he was ready for school, he said not yet (of course). Then he continued that he told his mother that he wanted to live in our town this school year and maybe live with her next year....he then said his mother told him that if he did not move up not the judge will probably not let him later.
He wanted to talk about it at that time, but I was concerned about him still being under her care. I also talked to #3 son who said when asked that he was excited for football and not so for school to start (normal). Am I overly concern about #4's statement?
I never have asked any of them where they want to live. I do ask how they are doing, if they are happy here, at school, and how can we do better.

[LSL]

Hum.... depends on what motivated it. Did his mother? Or does HE really want that? There is what you have to find out. Try to find out where he came up with the idea.

[huggies0214]

congrats dad for being a DAD!.. it must be hard when youre the one implementing the rules and then having someone whose priorities arent straight "get in the way of things". she sounds like my BD whose intentions are to do things out of spite thinking he's affecting me in any way... oo well ignorance is bliss!

[muskiedad]

I am guessing she has put ideas in his head over his time with her. I hope those fade quickly. Maybe he is still in the 'Honeymoon" phase of his visit, the visit with the new toys etc? It may all sound so exciting.

[idig]

The thing that bothers me is the manipulative "if you don't move now the judge won't let you later".

If she is manipulative like that, I think counseling is definitely in order, Dad. He is 11, right? Yeah, with the current "battle" going on for his affection (by her) I think he could likely benefit.

[Bluemoon]

Originally Posted by idig

The thing that bothers me is the manipulative "if you don't move now the judge won't let you later".

If she is manipulative like that, I think counseling is definitely in order, Dad. He is 11, right? Yeah, with the current "battle" going on for his affection (by her) I think he could likely benefit.

I agree.

[nadee_09]

Originally Posted by idig

The thing that bothers me is the manipulative "if you don't move now the judge won't let you later".

If she is manipulative like that, I think counseling is definitely in order, Dad. He is 11, right? Yeah, with the current "battle" going on for his affection (by her) I think he could likely benefit.

Yep, I agree too! HUGS Dad!

[comingup4air]

I think you are doing the best you can with ALL of your boys and the situation you have been dealt. Keep your focus on the boys and they will always know and feel that you are their 'home'.

[lyndz7]

wow dad, sorry that your son has to go through this...go with your instincts...hugs to all 5 of you

[Dad1st4boys]

Originally Posted by LSL

Hum.... depends on what motivated it. Did his mother? Or does HE really want that? There is what you have to find out. Try to find out where he came up with the idea.

The only part that bothers me is that she is telling him that if not now then never type thing. She really has separated all 4 boys into two sets of brothers. It is very apparent in her e-mails.
I am going to check into a child counselor next week.

[LSL]

One other thing.... he is at the age if he does not want to go to a counselor, it is not going to work. Why dont' you ask him if he would like someone to talk to?

I agree that her response was not correct and it was manipulative. But there is not really anything you can do about it. She is not going to change. The only thing you can do is to continue to be there for your son the way you are.

The lady is a dirt bag. And I use the word lady sarcastically.

[Bubba'sDad]

See, she would be served well by a good beating. Damn lawyers

[Dad1st4boys]

lsl, yes. I agree I can do nothing about her. I am talking with the counselor for me . ZTo look at the best ways for me to deal with the boys. I can only be me and not worry about her. She will never change and her attempts to get them to choice will only back fire in the long run. I will never ask them to chose one parent over the other.

[LSL]

I know Dad1st. That's why you are a wonderful father.....

[muskiedad]

My ex asked my boys who they wanted to live with.....but said that if they said me, that I would never let them see her. (BS of course) Why put kids in that position? What a dirt bag our exs are Dad. For the record, they are all still here! LOL