Being okay alone

[averysmom]

I saw my therapist this past week and learned something about myself that I'm really uncomfortable with. I was telling her that I have a lot of anxiety about starting a new relationship, specifically, I feel anxious that I'm not in one. I told her that I think it has to do with my fear of feeling rejected again by my ex if he ends up in a more serious relationship before me. She told me that she feels it has more to do with me feeling like I'm not okay unless I'm in a relationship, that I need a relationship to feel worthwhile. I hated hearing that but, she's absolutely right. I see, now, that I would rather be in a bad relationship than be alone. I'm trying to work through this. It's absolutely essential now that I'm a mom. I know that there are many of you on this forum that have been through heartbreak and have dealt with huge rejection so, I thought perhaps someone might identify. I really just needed to get that out, admit it in a somewhat public place, but, if anyone has any tips on how I can get past this, I'd appreciate it. I do enjoy being alone and I don't think my confidence is low. I know that this all comes from experiences in my childhood but, I'm still struggling to wrap my mind around it totally.

[DaddyCakes]

Hi There!

The first thing that you need to do is just get out and do something...anything. Getting out and looking after yourself is very important!

I took myself out to Outback Steakhouse for a few beers and a very lovely steak dinner! It felt wonderful to just get out and do something for myself.

Another thing i have been doing is engaging in a hobby. it gives you the ability to get out into a social setting and actually meet people with a common interest and not looking for a mate.

The best advise I could give to you is to focus on YOU and Your Child, and building up a life together. Get all your ducks in a row, Bills paid off, everything situated the way you want it.

Sometimes it's hard to do but you have to treat youself and feel good about yourself and when the time is right, you may find the perfect person...WHEN YOU'RE NOT LOOKING!


-DC

[Bluemoon]

I think it's awesome that you recoginize and acknowledge this about yourself. It's very common (I was that way for YEARS), so don't feel bad about it.
It is instinct for humans to mate up...but sometimes it goes too far.
Yes, you do need to get past it. It will cause you alot of pain and make getting what you want in life, including a healthy relationship, very difficult.

DC gave some good advice. You need to get out and do things you enjoy, without the goal of meeting a "mate".
You need to work on building the kind of life you want for yourself.
You need to discover your own self-worth...and strengthen it.
While you are doing this, you will meet people and make friends...and if it is meant to be, you might meet someone who loves the same things you do and can add postive things to your life.

I like to think I am successful if I can say, I may not have everything I want, but I want everything I have.

I do not want some man riding on my coattails, critisizing everything I like and do. That's what I get when I make my life wait for a mate.

[muskiedad]

It's not a race to get into a relationship before your ex does. Let's face it, if he got there first, is he a prize ??? Hardly. Usually it happens when you are not looking,and DC had good advice, get all other things in line first......without youknowing it such achievements make you more attractive to a good man, not just any man.

[YJL279]

I left FL and went to TN to escape an abusve relationship. When I did that things turned around for me. I got a job with the Federal Government, started college and spent the next 10 years working on a career to support me and my children. I was always looking around for a suitable person to just have a date with, but they all just wanted sex. I stopped looking and recently a person I went to college with contacted me and we are dating, but he still lives in TN and I live in GA. I don't know what will happen, but it took 12 years for me to find someone who likes me for who I am, not what I can do for them. My advice is like DC's do something for yourself. Since I completed my masters degree in Dec I finally got a job in my agency I had been training myself for (on the job and college) for 11 1/2 years and then Fred comes along. I never expected it, I had gone too long with noone, or so I thought. I guess he biggest thing is to stop looking and concentrate on loving your child.

[calooa]

Congratulations on being brave enough to admit that to yourself. I too have the very same issue, and spoke with my therapist about it on Wed. She told me to concentrate on myself and my kids, and that as time went on, I would be able to slowly let go of the need to be in a relationship with my stbx or the next fella who smiled at me. When you least expect it, love will find you. And it will be amazing and everything you dreamed because you took the time to really figure out what YOU deserve and want, rather than settle for just any old relationship. We are on the same journey, and WE WILL DO IT!!!!

[averysmom]

Thank you for the support and advice. Since having my daughter, my values have changed quite dramatically and I've realized that the type of man I want to be in a long term, committed relationship with is very, very different from the type of man I have been dating. In order to attract that type of man, I need to become more confident, comfortable in my own skin, and portray this with my appearance. Basically, I need to reinvent myself, not change or deny, just rejuvenate. I want my daughter to see me as a strong woman who won't isn't willing to settle or deny her desires. I want to show her that despite life's little setbacks, I (and she) can be successful and happy. Equally as important (my therapist would say more important), I want peace and joy for myself. This will be my focus. Her and I are worth it! When I think about this, I don't feel the need to go out and find a man. I know I will still have weak moments but, I'll come back to this.

Wait to go, YJL! I wish you the best with the new man and congrats on obtaining your master's! That's awesome!

Calooa, I agree wholeheartedly, We WILL do this!

Muskie, I just had to laugh at your comment about the ex being a prize! So funny!

Bluemoon, I really like your definition of success.

And DC, thanks. Being a vegetarian, I probably won't take myself out for a steak dinner but, I will treat myself! Hmmm, maybe I need to go for some chocolaty cheesecake!

[muskiedad]

You will find a lot of what I say is funny. It is not deep. It has no value. It makes no sense......but it may be funny. But as they say, all the clowns want to play Hamlet. LOL

[averysmom]

But, it did have value, Muskie. It was a good reminder that he really isn't worth the anxiety. Let whoever falls for his lies next have him! I certainly don't want him!

[Mama Swan]

Averysmom, you sound like you know exactly what you need to do... it's now just a matter of remembering and sticking with it on a day to day basis... that you're worthwhile on your own, and if you do eventually have a relationship, it will be with someone who recognizes and appreciates that! And it does help to have a daughter to look up to you as a reminder of the example you want to set for her.
~Peace~

[averysmom]

You know that feeling you get when you're in a comfortable relationship? That sense of relief that you don't have to worry about dating or finding a partner? I felt that today but, obviously, I'm not in a relationship. I realize that it feels good to not have pressure on myself to go out and find a man or make a relationship work or make decisions about whether or not this or that person is right for me. I think I may actually enjoy this phase of my life! I feel closer to my daughter because of this, too. It's like I can use the energy I would've put toward finding a mate toward being a better parent and making the most out of every minute I spend with her.

Oh, and Mama Swan, I am so grateful that I had a daughter. I would love a little boy just as much but, it's like having a girl makes me that much more accountable and makes it even more crucial for me to make the right decisions.

[Bella29]

Originally Posted by averysmom

You know that feeling you get when you're in a comfortable relationship? That sense of relief that you don't have to worry about dating or finding a partner? I felt that today but, obviously, I'm not in a relationship. I realize that it feels good to not have pressure on myself to go out and find a man or make a relationship work or make decisions about whether or not this or that person is right for me. I think I may actually enjoy this phase of my life! I feel closer to my daughter because of this, too. It's like I can use the energy I would've put toward finding a mate toward being a better parent and making the most out of every minute I spend with her.

I know that feeling, averysmom...and it's wonderful I want a relationship someday, I do. But for now...it's okay. I am SO glad you experienced that feeling today. Wonderful!!!!

[calooa]

Originally Posted by averysmom

You know that feeling you get when you're in a comfortable relationship? That sense of relief that you don't have to worry about dating or finding a partner?

I love that feeling. I miss that feeling! So glad you felt it AM.

[coffeemom12]

AM I totally agree about having a girl. I feel that its my job to let her know that its ok to make hard decisions and that she is strong enough to do everything she wants/needs to do in life. I try everyday to be a good role model for her everyday.

[Bluemoon]

Originally Posted by calooa

So glad you felt it AM.

Uh-oh. This isn't gonna work cause we already have an AM. Maybe AVM?

[maria32]

I would rather be alone then be in a bad relationship, but i know what you mean. It is hard to be alone, but all i have to do is look at my kids and when your in a bad relationship and your not happy you kids sense that. I used to argue alot with my kids dad and i would see it in their face, the fear, the anger, and i hated it. I could honestly say that i'm better off alone until i meet someone that i could grow with emotionally. I want someone that brings me up not takes me down.

[calooa]

Originally Posted by Bluemoon

Uh-oh. This isn't gonna work cause we already have an AM. Maybe AVM?

Oh duuuuuuh....yeah AVM. :P

[averysmom]

Originally Posted by maria32

I want someone that brings me up not takes me down.

I really like that, Maria!